The Unwritten Rules of French Politeness: Bonjour First, Kiss Twice, Arrive Late
Master the bonjour contract, la bise, tu vs vous and the art of arriving fashionably late — the unwritten rules of French politeness, decoded.
What you'll learn
Here’s the paradox: the French have a worldwide reputation for rudeness, yet live by politeness rules stricter than almost anyone’s. The trick is that nobody wrote them down. Let’s fix that.
🎬 This lesson in one minute
The quick version — the full lesson is below. More shorts →
The bonjour contract
In France, bonjour isn’t decoration — it’s a contract. Before any interaction, you greet: the baker, the pharmacist, the bus driver, the stranger sharing your lift. Only then may you ask for your baguette, your ticket, your directions.
Skip it and the temperature drops instantly. To French ears, launching straight into a request doesn’t sound efficient; it sounds like “you don’t exist to me”. One word, half a second — and it buys you goodwill for the whole exchange.
La bise: a user’s manual
La bise (the cheek kiss) comes with regional arithmetic: two is the safe default in Paris, while some regions swear by three or even four — the French happily argue about it among themselves. Golden rule: let the French person initiate, then follow their lead on count and starting side.
Context matters too. Friends and family: bise. A first professional meeting: handshake. And since 2020, the handshake has made a real comeback — plenty of workplaces quietly dropped la bise and never picked it back up. When in doubt, wait: an offered cheek is unmistakable.
Tu or vous? Even the French hesitate
You know the theory: vous for strangers and formality, tu for friends, family and children. Real life is blurrier — a new colleague, a friend’s mother, the neighbour you’ve greeted for ten years. Natives genuinely stall at these borders too.
Their escape hatch is a question: On se tutoie ? — shall we switch to tu? If someone offers, accept warmly; refusing is the real snub. Still unsure? Stay with vous — nobody in history has been offended by too much respect. For the full rulebook, see tu vs vous.
Invited to a French home? Read this first
Do not arrive on time. Arrive ten to fifteen minutes after the stated hour — the famous quart d’heure de politesse (the polite quarter-hour). Ring the bell at 8 p.m. sharp and you’ll catch your host mid-sauce, possibly mid-shirt.
Bring wine or flowers — but never des chrysanthèmes (chrysanthemums), which the French reserve for cemeteries. And compliment the food: C’était délicieux ! isn’t flattery, it’s protocol.
Phrases that open every door
- Bonjour, excusez-moi de vous déranger — hello, sorry to bother you (the golden opener with strangers)
- On se tutoie ? — shall we use tu? (the official border crossing)
- Tenez, c’est pour vous — here, this is for you (handing over your wine or flowers)
- C’était délicieux, merci pour ce repas — it was delicious, thank you for the meal
- Je vous en prie — you’re welcome (formal; with friends, je t’en prie or de rien)
- Bonne journée ! / Bonne soirée ! — have a good day / evening (the exit line)
Note the merci exchange: someone thanks you, you answer je vous en prie or de rien — never silence. In Québec you’ll hear bienvenue; in France you won’t.
Small talk: two subjects to avoid
Money and salary. Never ask what someone earns, what their flat cost or what rent they pay — in France, money talk sits somewhere between intimate and indecent. Safe ground: food, holidays, the region, cinema, and complaining about public transport, which is practically a national sport.
Shops: bonjour going in, au revoir going out
The contract has a closing clause. Walk into a shop: Bonjour ! — even if you’re only browsing. Walk out: Merci, au revoir ! — even if you bought nothing. Add a Bonne journée ! and you’ve officially out-Frenched the French.
Yes, it feels like theatre at first. It is theatre. Play your part and watch shopkeepers turn from frosty to charming in a single scene.
FAQ
Do I really greet the bus driver?
Yes — a quick bonjour as you board, and many locals add a merci or au revoir when leaving by the front door. It costs nothing and marks you as someone who knows the rules. More on greetings in bonjour and au revoir.
What if I get the number of bises wrong?
Nothing terrible — the French mis-count between regions too. Laugh, apologise, carry on. And since 2020 you can simply offer a handshake instead; nobody blinks any more.
Does this cover dinner-table manners?
No — the table is its own kingdom, with its own laws about bread, cheese and elbows. That’s a separate lesson: French dining etiquette.
Quick practice
Play the Quiztap to start · quick practice from this material
